Blighted Ovum.

I know I said I wasn't going to talk about anything related to my IVF experience but after some thought, I really think it's superstition on my mum's part. So, if you're reading this, and you know my mum, just feign ignorance, okay? The thing is, I almost always feel better after I've 'spilled the beans', if you know what I mean. I guess when your closest friends are so far away, writing everything down seems strangely comforting.

Anyway, if you remember Onde Onde, you might also remember it was my 3rd embryo, but like the rest, it didn't make it. However, Onde Onde was more special than the rest because it stayed with me for almost 6 weeks. When the test result came back positive, Joe couldn't wipe the grin off his face, and I had to pinch myself to see if I was dreaming.

And I wasn't. The symptoms that followed were much less exciting than the news. I was vomiting my guts out after every meal, and I felt nauseated 24/7. I couldn't do anything except to lie in bed the whole time. Luckily, there's such a thing as wireless internet, and I surfed constantly on the world wide web on everything there is to know about having a baby.

Unfortunately, when the time came for my ultrasound scan, the sonographer couldn't find the embryo. We could see the gestational sac and yolk but no embryo. She asked if I knew how far along I was, and I told her I was possibly 6 weeks. She then tactfully suggested that it might be too early to see anything, and that we should go back for another scan in a week's time. 

That one week felt like one year. I waited and I waited and I waited. The internet poured out stories of women in similar situations. Some of hope where the embryos were finally detected between 7 to 9 weeks. So I thought, hey, that could be me. Onde Onde could just be a small embryo, but you know what they say about hope - a double-edged sword if you're not careful. 

The hours leading up to the 2nd scan was nerve-wrecking, to say the least. When the probe was finally inserted, I immediately knew I had lost Onde Onde. The image was the same as the week before - gestational sac + yolk (only bigger this time), but no embryo or heartbeat. My gynae confirmed that I was going to miscarry in the next couple of weeks, and I had the choice of either a D & C or a natural miscarriage. I chose the latter but had I known of what physical pain that was to come, I might have opted for the D & C. 

The pain, oh the pain, was EXCRUCIATING. I was only told that in the following couple of weeks, I would pass out the "remains" in the form of blood and blood clots, but I wasn't told I would have pain BEYOND my imagination. Pain in the form of contractions that even an overdose of panadol could not alleviate. Pain that felt like someone was squeezing your uterus so tight that it felt like the grip of death. 

I also wasn't told that there would be MASSIVE amount of blood. I know there would be some blood but it felt like I had bled 2 bucketfuls by the end of the whole ordeal (which lasted 2 days by the way). Neither was I informed that I would pass out blood clots - sorry to gross you out - the size of an orange.

No kidding.

At the end of it all, I felt empty. Like a hollow nest. There was a baby growing inside, but it was gone. Just like that. No parting words, no goodbyes. Just 2 buckets of blood and agonising pain. The doctor said it's nature's way of getting rid of an abnormal pregnancy. I didn't want to debate that - she's probably right. 

Still, I can't help but miss my embryo terribly. 

Call me silly but I want my Onde Onde back.